What compels infidelity

"There are many men who do love their partners, who enjoy good sex at home, who nevertheless never turn down an opportunity for extramarital sex," Dr. Glass told "Psychology Today." "When women have affairs, it's much more often a result of long-term marital dissatisfaction. Surveys show that for women, the highest justification is for love; emotional intimacy is next. Sex is last on their list of justifications. It's the opposite for men; sex scores the highest."

Sydney Biddle Barrows, the author of Mayflower Madam (Ivy Books, 1997) and Just Between Us Girls (St. Martin's Press, 1997) agrees. "Women stray more for emotional reasons," she says. "They don't feel emotionally close to their partner, or they're looking for somebody to pay attention to them, to see them, to recognize them, to validate them. There are a lot of men who stray for relationship reasons too, but women tend to stray more to form a bond."

Unfortunately, because of these differences in motivation of men and women, a faithful partner often finds it hard to understand and work through a mate's infidelity after it occurs. "Men feel more betrayed by their wives having sex with someone else," Glass says. "Women feel more betrayed by their husbands being emotionally involved with someone else."


Why are you suspecting your spouse

Have you been having sleepless nights, troubled by suspicions and wild imaginations that your spouse has been secretly cheating you, committing infidelity?  Why do you suspect so?  Is it because you have observed or intuitively sensed "something different", some unusual changes to your spouse's behaviour?


The 32 signs of infidelity/cheating

Think your spouse might be committing infidelity, having an affair, cheating you?  Find out if he is displaying any of the warning signals described by Raymond B, Green, a private investigator and former police officer, and Marcella Bakur, a psychology professor at Marymount Manhattan College.  Here are the 32 emotional signs that your spouse is having an affair:

     
   
   
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Signs of Infidelity
Catching cheating spouse
1. Your spouse is more attentive to your needs than usual
This is due to the guilt feelings experienced by the cheater in the early stages of his or her infidelity.  The attention will diminish as the affair continues.
   
2. Your spouse begins buying you gifts -- lots of gifts
These are "Guilt Gifts" purchased because your spouse feels guilty about betraying you and showering you with presents makes him or her feel better
   
3. Your spouse's behaviour is causing a gut feeling in you that something isn't right
If this happens, pay attention to your instincts.  Ignoring them means you want to blind yourself to the truth.  You know your spouse's habits, routines and attitudes better than anybody, so be suspicious when these things change.
   
4. Your spouse frequently picks fights with you
Doing this gives him/her reason to get mad and storm out of the house and thus the opportunity to meet a lover.  A cheater may also do this because of mixed emotions he/she is feeling about betraying you.
   
5. Your spouse constantly talks about your relationship ending when you fight or argue
He/she says things like, "What would you do if our relationship ended?" or "If anything ever happened to us, I would always love you like a friend."  In general, he/she seems very negative aboiut your relationship.  Your spouse makes these statements because he/she has a lover to fall back on if your relationship ends.  If your spouse repeats these kinds of statements often, be suspicious.
   
6. Your spouse becomes very moody
He or she seems very upbeat and excited when leaving you but acts somber and depressed when around you.  If your mate is in a long-term affair, he/she will try to keep both relationships running smoothly. Any problems the cheater has in one relationship will spill over into the other relationship as well. This is inevitable.
   
7. Your spouse doesn't talk to you
You live together but don't interact.  He or she has become cold and inconsiderate of your feelings.
   
8. Your spouse's taste in music suddenly changes
For instance, she always listened to pop music but suddenly starts listening to country music.  Your spouse might be listening to and growing fond of this new type of music because his/her lover listens to it.
   
9. Your spouse lacks self-esteem
This doesn't necessarily mean he/she will go out and have an affair, but an insecure individual often looks to others for guidance.  If an insecure person's needs aren't being met, he/she might find the desired feelings of security and positive feedback in an affair with someone else.
   
10. Your spouse continually criticizes another person
He/she is trying to make you think that type of individual would never be of interest to him/her, although there actually exists a secret attraction.
   
11. Your spouse criticizes things about you that he or she once found attractive and appealing.
   
12. Your spouse easily becomes offended at the comments, however harmless, that you make.
   
13. Your spouse stops paying attention to you, your children and home-life in general.
   
14. Your mate begins closing doors when you are around, when before he or she would leave them open
For instance, the Bathroom-Door Rule: Couples in long-term relationships often leave their bathroom doors open while attending to necessities even if their partners are nearby. As affairs develop, the cheating spouses will close bathroom doors, distancing themselves physically from their partners.
   
15. Your spouse stops complimenting you on your looks.
   
16. Your spouse stops saying. "I love you."
   
17 Your spouse acts guilty when you do something nice for him or her
You are supposed to be the person who is making life miserable and the relationship untenable.  By doing something nice, you force the cheater to think about what he or she is doing.
   
18. Your spouse turns the table and accuses you of cheating but has no evidence.
   
19. Your spouse would rather spend time with friends than be with you.
   
20. Your spouse shows no interest in your relationship's future.
   
21. Your spouse stops being affectionate.
   
22. Your spouse is more interested in reading a book or watching television than talking with you or making love to you.
   
23. Your spouse frequently talks about the problems a friend, neighbour, co-worker, course instructor or classmate of the opposite sex is having.
   
24. Your spouse begins using new catch phrases or starts to tell types of jokes or express opinions that are unusual for him or her.
   
25. Your spouse pays less and less attention to your children
The children seem to sense something is wrong and don't seem to be as emotionally healthy or secure as they once were.
   
26. Your spouse has been acting emotionally distant and withdrawn but when you ask about it, he/she doesn't want to discuss it and becomes very protective of his/her privacy.
   
27. Your spouse seems disinterested and distracted during sex.
   
28. Your spouse talks in his/her sleep and mentions the name of a particular person on more than one occasion.
   
29. Your spouse seems startled or confused when awakened
This uncertainty may be caused by not being sure which bedroom and which lover's bed he or she is in.
   
30. Your spouse's behaviour is such that your friends begin asking you what's wrong
Close friends and family members often will notice tension or discord between the two of you before you are fully aware of it.
   
31. Your spouse easily becomes offended when you make normal and natural inquiries and may demand to know ehy you are checking up on him or her.
   
32. Your spouse's sleeping pattern changes considerably from the norm and may include unexplainable exhaustion, restlessness, frequent nightmares and sleep-talking.
 

Top Private Investigator, Bill Mitchell, the author of  "The More You Know -- Getting the evidence and support you need to investigate a troubled relationship", suggests 10 clues of an Online Affair.

10 clues of your partner possibly having an Online Affair:
1. Your spouse or partner spends excess time on-line.  Who doesn't use a computer today?  I know a few people.  They are excellent for paying bills, staying in touch with family, friends, customers, finding street locations, and a host of other productive endeavours. We can not live without them and shutter when a lighting storm threaten our usage.  Just look at kids and their instant messaging.  They will go without dinner just to keep in touch with their circle of friends.  Try to pull them away, it's no easy task.  Does your spouse resemble your kid's magnetism to the computer?  Discover why this need is so powerful before it's too late.
   
2. Passwords, instant message "buddy lists", internet email accounts and emails are concealed - even protected from you!  Do you find your spouse needing his "own space" at the computer?  Is there a real reluctance when you ask to know his passwords?  What's there to hide?  These questions all have obvious answers.  The act of hiding information is deceptive by nature.  Of course, those of us who have worked in "Corporate America" understand the need to protect company secrets.  But what legitimate "family secret" are we hiding?  Listen, any time a spouse becomes secretive with you, it fulfils a direct need they demonstrate.  Why?  You are like the judge, referee, or source of authority creating that "sense of accountability" over them. Furthermore, they are breaking matrimorial law if committing adultery.   There is, in many courts, a price to pay!
   
3. Computer use after you have gone to bed, when you fall asleep or in the middle of the night.  Have you been awaken by the absence of your spouse at night and found him at the computer?  If this behaviour becomes a pattern you certainly need to be concerned.  While work demands a sense of commitment and loyalty, working late repeatedly after you have fallen asleep is a little odd.
   
4 Your partner abruptly shuts off the internet and/or computer when you approach. This is panic and unexplainable behaviour.  The rationalization is "when all other contingency plans fail, just shut that thing off and don't get caught."  This foolish act is also called a "computer crash" and has the potential of damaging both hardware and software.  The loss of files occurs when a computer is cut off abruptly.  Many spouses have reported this behaviour just prior to hiring us.  We consider it a significant indicator of a deviant behaviour.  Now, bear in mind yoiur spouse may be viewing pornography and fear reprisal.  This may explain the need for panic.
   
5 The computer and monitor are always positioned away from your sight.  The study of body language has become useful to many investigators, especially those of us who administer lie detection examinations.  An obvious sign of deception and a common mistake the cheater makes is blocking your view.  They need the time to clear a screen, turn off the monitor, or change to another internet page when threatened with exposure.  Intentionally turning the monitor or laptop away from view is an indicator they don't want you to see something.  Over time this act develops into a habit and confers greater freedom from detection.  In most instances, having the lead time to hide the truth from you is all they need.
   
6. Clears all internet history after chat sessions, usage or installs software to automatically rid this information.  There are times when a computer becomes filled with unwanted files.  Computers run faster when less "temporary" files use up valuable "ram memory".  This is prudent maintenance for any computer user.  What I am referring to in this sign is the repeated habit of purposefully clearing information from discovery.  While this information is retrievable through the science of Computer Forensics, you won't find it readily available.  On the market now is software that actually helps the cheater.  The actual purpose of this new software tool is to hide any trace of computer internet usage.  Do you find this a little suspicious?  I do. 
   
7. Exhibits a compulsive need to be online and seems defensive when confronted to stop.  "When are you coming to bed?"  "We really need to go, now, what's taking so long?"  "Can't you do that later?"  Have you asked these types of questions?  Teenagers often become "obsessed" with instant messaging.  If you have kids who use the computer, you know.  They have trouble walking away from the PC.  This same desire or need displayed by your spouse is cause for alarm.  A compulsive, defensive pattern of behaviour shows a strong need to continue.  You need to know why.
   
8. Shares personal information, photos or events with strangers in emails, chatrooms or while instant messaging.  Setting up a profile for instant messaging is commonplace.  Kids love to fill them up and share with friends on the buddy list.  I've witnessed spouses who send nude pictures of themselves over the internet.  They share very personal information that should be reserved to the marital home.  Maybe it's time to track this information with software that collects this data.  Today more courts are allowing emails and computer usage data as evidence.  It's advisable to consult an attorney in your state beforehand!
   
9. Plays online games and frequents "personals" chatrooms.  This is where it starts.  Play a few games, win or loss but then we need to chat.  Well if chatting is fine, why not include your spouse?  You can't, so why do it?
   
10. Exhibits the eight warning signs illustrated in "The More You Know - Getting the evidence and support you need to investigate a troubled relationship".
   
Now, the good news and the bad news for you

The good news ... if by now you have noticed that your spouse has been exhibiting some of these signs, you have received a wake-up call.  You must immediately put yourself on the alert.  You may still be in time to take corrective actions to save your marriage, if indeed your spouse is having an affair.

The bad news ... merely knowing and detecting these signs of infidelity doesn't help you save your marriage or bring your spouse back, because these signs of infidelity are not concrete evidence.


What do you want to do now

Are you tempted to audit your spouse's behaviour against these lists to see which signs of infidelity fit his or her behaviour, so that you may jump to the conclusion that they're having an affair? It's not that simple. Determining whether or not there's any significance to the changes in behavior depends on evaluating both the number of areas of change and the degree of change. For instance, changes in only a few areas would not be as significant as changes in many different areas. And very slight changes would not be as significant as more drastic ones.

But even if there has been a great deal of change in a large number of areas, this does not necessarily signal infidelity. There are many reasons for such changes in behavior that have nothing to do with affairs, one of the most likely being an increased level of stress in the work environment. Other possible causes include concerns about health, aging, family, or finances. Whether or not the changes are due to infidelity, they indicate a problem that needs to be discussed.

What should you do then?  Do you want to know the truth? Or would you rather ignore your suspicions and hope that whatever problem you are suspicious of will just "go away"?  If you choose to ignore your suspicions, are you able to have peace of mind?


Can you prove your suspicions

Since nobody knows the dynamics of your relationship better than you do, no one can better judge what might be considered erratic or suspicious behavior. One indication that something may be wrong is plain old intuition--if you sense that something is amiss, there's a good chance it is.  Statistics say that 85% of women who feel their lover is cheating are correct and 50% of men who feel their lover is cheating are right.

"BUT ... (you may not believe this)...." says Sarah Paul, author of the hugely popular ebook How to catch a cheating spouse. "You should NEVER come out and ask your spouse if he is cheating without any evidence, just because you have an intuitive feeling he is. He must be caught with undeniable evidence that he can't lie his way out of before you confront him. If you ask him but he knows you aren't quite sure then it makes it easier for him to lie."

He will say such things to you as. "You are crazy! How dare you accuse me of having an affair!", or "Stop imagine things!", or "What proofs do you have?", and so on.


You'll increase your chances of success if you learn from Stephanie's and Julie's mistakes:

Now that he knows you are suspecting him, he will be more careful, and this will make it almost impossible for you to gather hard evidence.  "Don't make the mistake that I made," said Stephanie, a betrayed and suspicious wife. "I knew inside me that my husband was having an affair, and I confronted him without concrete proofs.  He denied it strongly, of course.  I knew he was lying but what could I do?  Now he is so cautious that it is very hard for me to find evidence to expose his infidelity."

Julie, another victim of infidelity, said, "I noticed some deviant changes in my husband's behaviour.  I had a strong feeling that he was having an affair with another woman.  One day I confronted him.  He denied his wrong doing.  Without any evidence, I just had to accept any decent stories or lies that he came up with.  I felt even more infuriated, and at the same time, so powerless.  I should have been more patient and collected the evidence first."


Know your facts 100% and have concrete proof before you make accusations.  You can do damage to your marriage because your spouse may be hurt by your distrust if he is indeed innocent.


Confront your spouse without concrete evidence at your own risk!

If you choose to ignore this advice and go ahead hastily to confront your spouse without any proof, you may create a disaster for your marriage. Why?  Because, without any evidence, you are in a weak position, and you provide your spouse with a great excuse for leaving you.

Let's go back to the 32 signs of infidelity. For instance, if your spouse frequently picks fights with you (sign#4), or if he easily becomes offended at your comments (sign#12), or if he turns the table and accuses you of cheating (sign#18), or if he easily becomes offended when you make normal and natural inquiries (sign#31), he may capitalize on your unfounded, unjustified accusation to have a blazing row with you, to blame you for creating tension in your marriage.  He may then tell you your marriage is over!


He is testing his boundaries.  Stop him before it's too late.

How does your spouse's infidelity happen?  The normal pattern is initially he spends too much time too often with the other woman alone.  Gradually he finds that she meets his emotional needs, and thus emotional infidelity develops.  Then the relationship results in physical infidelity, ie sex.  Finally it explodes into a disaster -- a divorce. 

As in any other areas in life, there are boundaries within your marriage.  There are dos and don'ts that you and your spouse must observe in order to protect your marriage.  Often, this requires some self-restraint.

At each stage of the development of the affair, your spouse lets go of some self-restraint, and pushes and crosses the boundaries.  First, by spending too much time too often alone with the other woman, he crosses the first set of boundaries.  He should have realized that this is improper and unwise, as far as his marriage is concerned. But he enjoys her company. He becomes a little "insane". He likes it, and YOU are not aware of it.

Then he crosses the second set of boundaries by sharing his personal and private feelings with her that he should have shared with YOU.  She responds sympathetically.  He begins to have very good feelings about her.  He feels she satisfies his emotional needs. Emotional infidelity develops.  He lets go of more self-restraint. He becomes a little more "insane". He likes it, and YOU are not aware of it.

Now, he believes and is convinced that what he is doing and feeling are good for him, even though he knows he is wrong morally.  He becomes more and more involved with her emotionally, while continues to test and push his boundaries.  One day, he crosses yet another set of boundaries -- he has sex with her.  He has let go a lot of self-restraint. He has become more "insane".  He likes it, and YOU are not aware of it.

By now, he has become confident of his infidelity.  Because you have not caught him (yet), he believes he can continue to stay on his forbidden territory, and to test and push the boundaries further.  There is little self-restraint left in him. He doesn't realize that he is insane, temporarily.

If YOU continue to allow this to carry on, a divorce will replace your marriage. (If this happens, you will need our FREE ebook, "Divorce & Custody", to arm yourself with the necessary information and strategies.  Click here to see the table of contents and for FREE download.)  But, we really, really don't want your marriage to end up in a divorce.

By now, you have probably got the point... you need to seize the evidence of the affair.


Don't you go insane too!

YOU are the victim, the betrayed, the cheated.  You suspect you are.  You are probably right, but you are not sure.  You can't be certain because you have no evidence.

You, like all other victims of their spouses' affairs, are tormented by "not knowing" the truths.  You can't sleep.  You can't eat.  Your stomach is in knots. You are depressed.  You indulge yourself in nightmarish imaginations.

Are you tortured by negative emotions?  You feel guilty because you think it's your fault that your spouse is having an affair.  You feel angry that you are betrayed, bitter that you are lied to.  Then you imagine that your spouse divorces you, and you and your children will live in poverty, and you are filled with fear and insecurity.  You become paranoid.  You are confused.  "I just don't know what to think," you cry. "Am I losing my mind?  I can't live like this anymore!"

So how do you set yourself free from these tormenting emotional bondages?  By finding out the truth -- the truth is out there.  The truth shall make you free!  Get the evidence.


Should I spy on my spouse?

You may have no qualms about spying on your spouse to get the evidence you want.  But then again you may feel a little hesitant, uneasy, or "not nice" about snooping on your spouse.  Dr. Robert Huizenga says the following article of his will help you.


Should I Spy?
by Dr. Robert Huizenga
author of the highly powerful book "Break Free From The Affair!"


If you are a spouse who suspects your partner might be having an affair, wants to find out if he/she is telling the truth or has a need to discover details of the affair, these articles are for you.

The desire, sometime a fairly strong desire to spy or find out exactly what is happening between your partner and the other person, is commonly very strong, especially at disclosure of the affair or prior to that when you sense that something is off kilter.


Cheating Spouse: 7 Legitimate Motives for Spying


Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You believe you see signs of a cheating spouse. The need to know whether your spouse is cheating and EXACTLY what kind of cheating is taking place is often strong. There are a number of reasons why the drive to spy is powerful. Here are seven:

1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself. Probably for some time you have sensed something is different or questioned the change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps you confronted your cheating husband or cheating wife and it was met with denial. This created a huge dilemma for you because a part of you was screaming, Hey, this doesn't fit! I don't believe it! To deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a tremendous internal turmoil. If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath and at least know that you can trust yourself. You are NOT CRAZY! Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully your gut feelings.

2. Spying on cheating husbands or cheating wives often helps the person feel connected to the partner who seems to be steadily moving away. It is a way of maintaining contact and having some sort of connection to this stranger who once was well known. Isn’t it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children? Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game is at least some contact, some involvement. You miss the connection and try to find someway to maintain the ties.

3. Spying on a cheating spouse may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the relationship. You want to know the truth. You sense something does not fit. You suspect there is a breach of something. You want to know what you are up against. You are not willing to stand pat and wait. You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You want to get on with the relationship. You want to get on with your life. You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might be this huge elephant that no one is talking about. You want to know the truth, face the truth, deal with the truth and be free.

4. Cheating husbands or cheating wives often, unfortunately, lead to the demise of marital relationships. If you strongly suspect this to be true for your situation you will want to protect yourself legally. If there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third party, other forms of deception may exist financially or in other areas of the relationship. Having “evidence” does have some impact in some court systems. Whether you need to protect yourself legally depends on the kind of affair facing you and the character of your spouse. Please read through my “7 Reasons For an Affair” to determine the situation that faces you. If your spouse is someone who can’t say no, doesn’t want to say no or is acting out rage, please make sure to take protective steps.

5. You may want to protect yourself medically if you suspect you have a cheating husband or wife. You might be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Your health may be at stake. And, of course, you need to know. Shame, guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your partner that it gets in the way of responsibly informing you of the medical dangers when another partner is sexually brought into your relationship.

6. Seeing signs of a cheating spouse often mean secrets. Secrets are work! There is not much written about the impact of a secret in a relationship, but believe me, in over two decades of working with strained relationships day in and day out, keeping a secret has a powerful impact. It is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that no one dare talk about. People take extraordinary measures to tip toe around it, but it IS there. Emotionally, you can’t miss it. Secrets are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact is felt in subtle but insidious ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously so. People become depressed. People start doing crazy things. Children start acting out, stop achieving, become listless or exhibit a host of other symptoms. Children, or the next generation, often carry the emotional load. You want to spy because you don’t want to live with a secret. You want to discover the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution, a rich relationship and a productive life.

7. Some of us like drama. Soap opera scenarios and adrenaline based lives are a hallmark of our society. We get juiced or pumped up entering into emotional relational triangles that offer intrigue. Without adrenaline, life seems boring or mundane. Perhaps an unspoken reason for an affair may be to fan the fire? Or, you may spy on your cheating spouse to keep the sense of being alive a part of your life.


Cheating Husband or Wife: 6 Keys to Know if You are Ready to Handle what You Might Find when You Spy?

When you spy on your suspected cheating spouse, please make sure you consider all the possibilities you might encounter and whether you can handle them. Have you considered the many situations that spying might uncover? Can you imagine the worst thing you might find? Predict what your response will be to the worst-case scenario. Are you ready? Here are some specific questions to ask:

1) Do I have friends I can count on for support if I discover the worst? Do they know I might need them? Have I told them exactly how they might help me? Do I have the capacity to stand back from the deep emotions and not get mired or lost in destructive thoughts and feelings?

2) How have I handled emotional pain in the past? What if it gets almost unbearable? If I encounter the worst possible emotional hurt and pain, do I have a therapist I can contact immediately and see soon to help me through the rough spots?

3) You see the signs of a cheating spouse. What will be my strategy for what I find? Do I have a strategy for the different scenarios? Do I have a strategy to confront or not confront my spouse? How, when and under what circumstances will I confront him/her?

4) What kind of strategy will I have for self-care? What will I need to do to keep myself functioning somewhat effectively?

5) Do I have a coach or an objective someone who knows about cheating husbands and cheating wives and who can help me develop strategies and goals for confrontation and self-care? Someone to keep me focused and working on these strategies and goals?

6) Do I know what kind of affair I might face? Do I know the prognosis for that kind of affair? Have I educated myself about affairs and what I must do to effectively resolve and move through this crisis?


Cheating Spouse: Is Spying an Invasion of Privacy?

My, how the cheating spouse cries foul when he/she discovers you are spying.

Outrage can be intense: “How dare you!! I never thought you would stoop to that! How could you!? How can there be trust in this relationship if you do that? This is none of your business; I don’t spy and go behind your back! Now you know why I want to pull away from you. How could I love anyone that would do something like that to me?" On and on.

Cheating husbands and cheating wives usually will not admit the duplicity of their clandestine behavior. But you are made out to be the villain if you use detective work to discover the truth. It doesn’t make sense, but then again not much about infidelity borders close to sanity.

Are you a morally corrupt duplicitous character hell bent on destroying the integrity of a relationship through spying? No, of course not. The integrity of the relationship has been destroyed through the extramarital affair. The affair shattered the promises and mocked the vows that the two of you made.

You saw clearly the signs of a cheating spouse. The affair invaded the domain of your marriage and crumbled its protective boundaries. The marital infidelity broke the contract of the marriage; it was the act of betrayal. Spying does not damage the marriage. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the pain and deception.

Spying is often used to grasp the reality of the situation. It’s intent is to find the truth. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage and enable each person in the marriage to attain health and sanity.


Infidelity: Spying is Not Revenge


Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse as ammunition for revenge. Sure, you may have wonderfully violent fantasies of what you would really like to do to him/her and the other person. This is very normal. But, don’t act them out. Using what you find to extract revenge will only lengthen the time of pain and anger. It will undermine your integrity as a person, lower your personal standards and make you exceedingly unattractive. Resist the temptation to sling the mud!

Keep what you find to yourself.

The obvious signs of a cheating spouse disturbed you. You spy because the truth will set YOU free. The quickest cleanest way to break free from the extramarital affair is to set your focus on you as you navigate your way through the difficult weeks and months.

The sooner the two of you can face each other, without outside input or influence, the better off you and the relationship will be.

There usually is no reason to share new found information about cheating husbands or cheating wives with family, friends, children or the spouse of the other person. A concern about sexually transmitted diseases or health risks might be an exception. If it is important to share such information, do so without much fanfare or drama. And of course, if you pursue legal action, any information obtained through spying might be helpful to your attorney. Some “evidence” does carry weight in particular states or districts.

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Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. He is the author of the highly powerful book "Break Free From The Affair!"Read more at his website.

Please know that Dr. Robert Huizenga assumes no responsibility or liability for the actions of any kind of those who visit his site and read his material or the material of his contributors.
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How do you go about gathering undeniable evidence

Here are some ways with which you can gather evidence:
1. Have your cheating spouse's telephone conversations recorderd.  This task is made amazingly simple by a new technology.  You don't have to buy or install any recording device or software.  You don't have any physical object to hide from your cheating spouse. You don't have to spy on your spouse.  You don't have to snoop on him.  You don't have to be sneaky. You just get a company to do it for you for a small fee.

You can have all your cheating spouse's incoming and outgoing calls recorded with digital quality.  You can logon to the company's secure server to listen to the recorded conversations online through your internet connection.  Alternatively, you may ask the company to email the recorded conversations to you in a file in the .wav format that you can play on your computer.  Either way you get digital quality recordings.

You can have your cheating spouse's recorded conversations transferred to audiotape, or burnt to a CD, or even transcribed!

You will get your undeniable evidence with this amazing tool.  Simple, easy, fast.  Spy Equipment Info (Spy Tools) for more detailed explanations.

The recordings will confirm your suspicions beyond doubt, but there is no guarantee that they will be admissible in a court of law as 'hard' evidence.  It is said that there are also certain states that have laws against wiretapping, but this is usually in association with business, not private use of a telephone. 

Nonetheless, recorded conversations of your cheating spouse are definitely great to have.  Imagine playing back the recordings to him: can you see the shocked and stunned look on his face? Can you feel that "winning" feeling inside you that you have caught him?  Can you hear him deny his affair or lie to you? No, because he is dumbstruck (for a while).

As usual, there is a disclaimer from the vendor of Spy Equipment Info - Spy Tools: it is the responsibility of the purchaser or user to ensure that conversations are only recorded in accordance with the law of the jurisdiction where the equipment is utilized.
   
2. Check your cheating spouse's cell phone caller ID
Find out if there is any unfamiliar number which repeatedly appears.  If there is, it may belong to your cheating spouse's lover.  The next things you will be very keen to find out are her name and address.  How can you get them? Again, you can use a Spy Equipment Info - Spy Cell Phones to make the job remarkably simple and easy and fast for you.  All you have to do is to enter the suspect's phone number on your computer, and the Spy Equipment Info - Spy Cell Phones will trace the registered user's name and address for you.
   
3. Read your cheating spouse's email
Search for "infidelity email" or "affair email" in your cheating spouse's email program.  You may not have the password.  But you can get it by using the Spy Equipment Info - Spy Cell Phones mentioned in paragraph 2 above. The Spy Equipment Info - Spy Cell Phones comes with additional programs that find password hidden with ********.  It also comes with a Keystroke Recorder that logs what is written in e-mail and word processing documents.

But please note that after you install each program on your cheating spouse's computer, his computer may give you a message to alert you that a new program has been installed.  You will see this message "new programs installed" when you click the "start" button to call up the start menu (we are assuming that you use Microsoft Windows). 

If your cheating spouse sees this message and finds out the new programs you have installed, your spying activities will be exposed.  He will become very cautious, and may erase all evidence of his affair.  You will then have an uphill task of getting the hard evidence you need.

Therefore you must get rid of this "new programs installed" message. It is meant to get you to check what new programs have been installed. Once you have checked, this message will not appear again until anothe new program is installed.  So, this is how you get rid of the message: just click the "start" button to call up the start menu, and click "All programs" on the start menu.  It's a piece of cake!

Do this after installing every spying program on your spouse's computer.

Another WORD OF WARNING: you should install the Spy Equipment Info - Spy Cell Phones and its ancillary programs only in computers owned by YOU.  It is technically illegal for you to install them in computers owned by your spouse's employer or by anyone else.
   
3. Check your cheating spouse's pockets, pants, briefcase, wallet, credit card bills, car, and other "professional" techniques
The execution of these activities of catching your cheating spouse as well as other covert techniques are beyond our scope.  You ought to learn from EXPERTS.

Remember this principle: when you want to learn a skill, learn from EXPERTS.

One of these experts you can learn from is Sarah Paul.  She has developed a highly popular program whereby she will help you become "defensive" as well as "offensive".  She will make clear to you the tricks used by your cheating spouse so that you will not be deceived any more ("defensive"), and show you the powerful techniques for exposing his unfaithful activities with various kinds of solid evidence ("offensive").  She guarantees that you will get your evidence and truth fast if you follow her proven methods.

Her program includes a computer software which records every keystroke that your spouse presses and every website that he visits.  It even takes snapshots of the screens so you have infalible evidence at your fingertips. You will also receive a very helpful ebook to guide you to save your marriage.

All these can be downloaded instantly for a generously moderate price.   You can start applying the techniques right away.

To understand how you can end your pain and get results within a matter of days, visit Sarah Paul's website.


Edward Talurdey is another expert who can help you.  For almost a decade, Edward Talurdey has helped thousands of people, literally all over the world, to find out once and for all if their spouse is cheating on them.  He has gained fame for his little known yet super-effective secrets on how to quickly and easily catch your cheating spouse.

His controversial, highly acclaimed manual lays out in painstaking detail the step-by-step process YOU can use to instantly uncover the truth about your spouse's infidelity.  He gives a money-back-guarantee that his guide on catching cheating spouse will work for YOU.


His program also includes a fascinating special report for you.  You will learn from this report the closely guarded secrets of top professionals in identifying the uncontrollable and subconscious actions every human being does when they lie.  So you'll become a Human Lie Detector against your cheating spouse's lies.

Click here to see what this expert has to tell you.



Should you use a private investigator (PI)?

Cost is a major disadvantage of hiring a private investigator.  In addition to their fees that are based on an hourly rate, you have to pay them all the expenses related to their investigation activities.  Depending on the complexity of your case, hiring a PI could cost you thousands of dollars.

Naturally a PI will require as much relevant information from you as possible to enable him to carry out his investigation effectively.  You may not feel comfortable about telling a stranger the private details of your  relationship with your spouse.  This is another drawback.

So, should you hire a PI?  Peggy Vaughan, author of the book, "The Monogamy Myth", offers the following advice:


   
  If you like to use a PI's expertise, and yet don't want any possible kickback from your cheating spouse, you can use the help of another expert: Bill Mitchell.  Bill Mitchell is a veteran private investigator with 30 years' experience.  With you in mind, he has created his book, The More You Know.  This book lays out a practical, in-depth approach to discovering evidence of infidelity.  Until now, no one created such a thorough resource to guide you from suspicion to evidence.

Through this book, you will experience Bill Mitchell's compassion towards you because he understands just how traumatic your life has become.  Counselling thousands in the midst of this turmoil Bill Mitchell shares with you how to resolve your fears.

"Sometimes when you are looking for something, anyone can give advice.  Bill Mitchell in The More You Know gives you sound advice, in a caring and compassionate way that touches your soul and can change your life," says Theresa Goodman (host of talk back).

Visit Bill Mitchell's website for more explanations.

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  If you've reached the point of resorting to a private investigator (or other outside source) to "catch" your partner in an affair, you've probably gotten so desperate that you're primarily interested in "capture and punishment" and no longer have much hope for saving the relationship. However, you need to consider that even if you're still interested in trying to save the relationship, using a private investigator may cause such anger and embarrassment to the person who is "caught" that it leads them to be unwilling to try to work things out—regardless of what you want. When someone is caught this way, they may feel like a "victim" themselves—which can overwhelm any feelings of guilt they might have had about their behavior. This leaves them with little sympathy for the problems they have caused—and leads them to pull away completely.
Recover from Infidelity
Deal with Infidelity Effectively. New Free 51-page Ebook Tells You How.  Click here to Download Now.
 
What Motivates Infidelity
Knowing the Causes may Save Your Marriage.  Click here for more details.
 
Extramarital Affair?
To Divorce or Stay Married? Want Advice? Learn Tips from Experts.
 
Surviving Infidelity Tips
"My Divorce Attorney's Passing this Insightful Ebook out to clients!"  Read more.
 
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Get Solid Proof, Beat Cheater's Lies.  Secrets to Destroy His affiar.  Proven Never Fail. Click for more details.
 
Caught Spouse Cheating
"I Spotted & Caught Him in    2 days".  Simple Steps.   Learn How to Do it.
 
Save Divorce Lawyers Fees
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Healing after Divorce
Divorce Hurts.  Get Your Life back.  Find Joy & Love Again.  Learn How.